The first thing I’d like to do in this blog entry today is apologize to everyone for the less than cheerful blogs and comments I have been writing lately. The last three and a half months since Russ died have been a little difficult for me and I’m really not the most cheerful person in town, I guess. But, this challenge has been helping me out, too and I think some of my humor is returning; at least I’m not crying continuously.
When Russ first died, I couldn’t stop crying; when I woke up in the morning, the pillows would be drenched. I cried so much that my tears weren’t salty any more and I truly have no idea why I didn’t become dehydrated. When I went to his memorial, I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, that I would be strong; I lied. I did pretty well until I was right at the very end and then, my lower lip began to quiver and the dam collapsed, letting all the unshed tears flow down my face like a waterfall. Anything and everything was a cause for crying, and cry I did.
Now, I suppose one could say things are a little better. At least, as I said, I’m not crying as much and I do laugh a little. Sometimes. But I’m not sure if living in a limbo land can actually be classified as better. Sure, my pillows are dry in the morning, but I just don’t have any real feelings. I’m just…there. When the guys in the bodega across the street ask me how I am, I just say I’m okay. And they know that with me, okay is not so great, because they have known me for over four years and they knew Russ, too. I’m listless and I either eat too much or not enough, depending on the day. I don’t cry as much, but then again I don’t laugh as much either, and even cracking a smile takes a lot out of me. Sometimes, I lay in bed and wonder whether I should get up or not, but then Kitty pops into my window, and the decision is made for me.
Other mornings, though, I wake up after a wonderful dream in which Cute Guy has appeared and the whole day is happy. I smile and even enjoy the weather. Except that Wednesday they said we may be getting more snow, and I am not particularly thrilled by this.Those are also the mornings when I usually have a wake-up song that sticks with me all day long. So, you see? There’s still hope for me. And no one can take away the healing power of Narcissi and pansies and I have both; the cats didn’t even sleep on top of them. Of course, I warned kitty that her meal ticket would be cancelled if she did, and she’s a lot smarter than she looks. But, there you have it: the old me is starting to pop out every once in a while.
If you’re wondering about the second part of my title, I just wanted to remind everyone that tonight, visible throughout the entire United States, the moon is favoring us with a total eclipse, or blood moon. I’m hoping I can stay awake long enough – or wake up in time – to see the spectacular show. Of course, this also depends on the weather…