Monday, April 14, 2014

“L” is for Living in Limbo Land and Lunar Eclipses


The first thing I’d like to do in this blog entry today is apologize to everyone for the less than cheerful blogs and comments I have been writing lately. The last three and a half months since Russ died have been a little difficult for me and I’m really not the most cheerful person in town, I guess. But, this challenge has been helping me out, too and I think some of my humor is returning; at least I’m not crying continuously.

When Russ first died, I couldn’t stop crying; when I woke up in the morning, the pillows would be drenched. I cried so much that my tears weren’t salty any more and I truly have no idea why I didn’t become dehydrated. When I went to his memorial, I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, that I would be strong; I lied. I did pretty well until I was right at the very end and then, my lower lip began to quiver and the dam collapsed, letting all the unshed tears flow down my face like a waterfall. Anything and everything was a cause for crying, and cry I did.

Now, I suppose one could say things are a little better. At least, as I said, I’m not crying as much and I do laugh a little. Sometimes. But I’m not sure if living in a limbo land can actually be classified as better. Sure, my pillows are dry in the morning, but I just don’t have any real feelings. I’m just…there. When the guys in the bodega across the street ask me how I am, I just say I’m okay. And they know that with me, okay is not so great, because they have known me for over four years and they knew Russ, too. I’m listless and I either eat too much or not enough, depending on the day. I don’t cry as much, but then again I don’t laugh as much either, and even cracking a smile takes a lot out of me. Sometimes, I lay in bed and wonder whether I should get up or not, but then Kitty pops into my window, and the decision is made for me.

Other mornings, though, I wake up after a wonderful dream in which Cute Guy has appeared and the whole day is happy. I smile and even enjoy the weather. Except that Wednesday they said we may be getting more snow, and I am not particularly thrilled by this.Those are also the mornings when I usually have a wake-up song that sticks with me all day long. So, you see? There’s still hope for me. And no one can take away the healing power of Narcissi and pansies and I have both; the cats didn’t even sleep on top of them. Of course, I warned kitty that her meal ticket would be cancelled if she did, and she’s a lot smarter than she looks. Winking smile But, there you have it: the old me is starting to pop out every once in a while.

If you’re wondering about the second part of my title, I just wanted to remind everyone that tonight, visible throughout the entire United States, the moon is favoring us with a total eclipse, or blood moon. I’mHPIM1460 hoping I can stay awake long enough – or wake up in time – to see the spectacular show. Of course, this also depends on the weather…


  1. So glad to read that you are feeling somewhat better, Mary! ☺ Grieving takes time and you have to go through all the stages. Everyone is different in how they handle grief and I hope the tears will lessen and the smiles increase even more, as time goes on. Your friends (and Miss Kitty) are here for you too, so you're never really alone. ((HUGS))
    Debbie @ The Doglady's Den

  2. I am sorry that you are going through such sadness and darkness :( I hope things get better for you <3 So glad I stopped by from the A to Z Challenge. Let's all pray that by May, we won't be needing gloves and Ice scrappers.

  3. Hey Mary, lovely Lady, so glad to see you are writing with a little spark again. Don't worry, it comes back when you least expect it, just ask kitty, that's how she got to your place, when you least expected it. Just wanted you to know that I'm still around and still available for talking and tearing and laughing and all of that stuff. I've been away myself for a while, but I'm back, like a bad penny I always show up again. I wish I knew how to publish with my name and url, but, and I hate to say this, I don't know what my url is, so maybe you can whisper it in my ear and then we'd both know and I could do things correctly instead of anonymously with my name attached....Yes, it's me, Judi McMillen, and I'm just glad you are writing again and not crying as much. This is a good sign. I will read the next one too...never fear, I'm always here....or words to that effect.

  4. Hi Mary. My first time visiting your blog. I'm sorry for your loss and glad you're finding reasons to smile and laugh again. Take care!


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